The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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