Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol