Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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