Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
