you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
