zippers are such a cool invention
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
