It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
