I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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