She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
