I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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