i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
