If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
