Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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