I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
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I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
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I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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