I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
