omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
