i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
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Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Shame - the story of my life.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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