I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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