So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
