1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
