Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
