Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
