You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
