i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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