that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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