I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
