I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
