i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
