i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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