Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
