allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
