I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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