would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Less talking, more tequila
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
