what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
