I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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