who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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