So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
