dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
