If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize