Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
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