I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
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And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
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And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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