The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
