around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
