The maid of honor just puked.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize