I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
