My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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