I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
