I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
