life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
