I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
