i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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