I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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