Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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