people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
