if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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