someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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