I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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