my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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