i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
