Umm I'm too high to move.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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