my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
