I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
