I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
