I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Boobs are out for the taking
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
