I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize