dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
